One of the links in the second email I posted about the other day discussed "The Body is not an Apology" book by Sonya Renee Taylor. I was intrigued. I bought the book on Prime Days from Bookshop!
I am exhausted after one chapter of this book. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. And it is all a good thing.
Why do I think the way I do? I long ago stopped apologizing for things. If I start writing sorry in an email, especially at work, I delete it. If I say bad things to myself "I am so stupid." I stop myself. Where did it all start? How did I get here? Buy why am I good at not doing those things but I still hate my body? I even lost 50 pounds and felt amazing and happy but where did it all go in the past few months and why do I still hate my body? I did what I was supposed to do to love it.
I was always different, at least I always thought I was but perhaps I wasn't as different as I thought and that is why I didn't have the abuses that many had growing up. I was blonde hair and blue eyes and female. I had a Mom and Dad and an older sister who was also blonde hair and blue eyes. I had the "normal" acceptable family.
Believe me I had my bullies but I always took care of them in some way. Diffusing them, accepting them, keeping them from others. So why do I bully myself? Maybe the bullies around me didn't bother me because I was more than enough bully to myself. Wow, that is a profound thought I did NOT see coming.
Maybe I was always so lost in my own head, I never heard the outside world saying things about me or maybe I did but I didn't care. I am in no way saying I am not a mess in my head and not mentally unstable because what fun would that be, but somehow I can't recall these issues this book brings up. Again perhaps I am tougher on myself than anyone in society could ever be on me.
So this would lead me to think I managed to do all the harm to myself, from myself. I guess I compared myself to others or more them to me but I truly think it was more in adoration than in me wanting to be them, look like them. I knew I could never BE them, but I could watch them and appreciate them knowing it wouldn't carry over. I was just me.
I do have to say I did NOT like feeling fat and unhealthy and looking yucky to my eyes when I turned 50 last year and I know I didn't really think about what others thought about my weight or anything ... ooohhh wait, clothing... I always thought about my clothing and still do. People must be looking at me all the time and wondering about my clothing. HA they don't even care that I am there. I have a very harsh eye for non-perfect clothing on myself and does my outfit fit with the scene. Ugh, yup, that is one topic I have. And my body not looking good in the clothing is a HUGE issue. But I know I look at others and I just love how they are dressed and how confident, no matter size, color, orientation, etc. I think I am very accepting of others, now to learn to turn that on myself.
I have even gone through this before. One of my first therapy times was learning how to be a friend to myself. That is where I stopped saying I was stupid and stopped apologizing but over time it is easy to forget learned things.
Such as how do we forget that we were young and impressionable? How do we forget what we did as kids? Why do we forget? I made sure to never comment on my niece's body or looks at any age. She was who she was and is. She would grow and change so much over the years. Nothing is permanent and all of it is beautiful because it is my niece. Her body is just the vessel and does not make her who she is.
So, self, your body is just the vessel and does not make me who I am. My Body is NOT an Apology.
I am very interested to hear your thoughts on this book or what they brought to the surface for you. Please comment or write to me privately and share your thoughts. Thank you
