Day of Delirium #46 - Forgiveness is a Choice

Going Bonkers article "Forgiveness is a Choice - How to Resolve Your Pain, Anger and Resentment" by Dr. Fred Luskin.

Forgiveness is for yourself.

Forgiveness is not forgetting.

Forgiveness can free you.

Forgiveness is a present to give yourself.

Holding onto pain, anger and resentment is like poison to your inner self. To not forgive keeps the poison inside and maintains your suffering while your offender lives rent free in your mind. Not forgiving allows your offender to continue to hurt you over and over. Wouldn't you rather be free?

Here are some things to think about in relation to forgiving:

- Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

- Forgiveness and condoning are not the same. You can forgive an offense but it doesn't mean you condone the behavior.

- Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can forgive the offender but also end or limit contact with them if that is your choice. To forgive does not mean you have to reconcile or be around the offender.

- Forgiveness does not depend on whether or not you offender apologizes or agrees to change. If you let the offenders behavior determine whether or not you heal, then the offender retains power over you forever.

- Forgiveness and justice are not the same. To forgive does not mean that you don't stop seeking justice for being wronged. The example would be: You can forgive your ex-spouse for abandoning your children but it doesn't mean you shouldn't take the ex to court to get support payments.

at the heart of it all is forgiveness

What are the steps to forgiveness then that can help free you?

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to clearly say it was not OK.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for yourself, no one else even has to know your decision to forgive.

3. Understand your goal - which is to find peace through forgiveness.

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening today. Recognize that your current pain is coming from what you are feeling now, not the actual experiences that hurt you in the past.

5. Remind yourself that you can hope for good things in your life and then work hard to get them.

6. Instead of putting your time and energy into holding onto the pain, anger and resentment, find positive new goals to spend your time and energy on.

7. Remember that a live well lived is the best revenge. Instead of focusing on your pain, learn to look for the beauty around you.

8. Amend your grievance story to remind you of your heroic choice to forgive.

I have done this in my life. I have forgiven. Many years ago I lost 90% of my friends when I decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend at the time. I had a hard time reconciling how all my friends decided to be his friend and not mine, including my best friend at the time. I was hurt, I was angry and I resented them for making a choice of him over me. But after a few years of thinking about it and how it ruled my life and how I interacted with others - not trusting, not allowing myself to be real - I realized I couldn't live that way any more. Someone mentioned I should just forgive them. What??? Forgive them??

Well it turns out that person was completely right. One night I sat down and thought for the last time about what had happened and I decided I would forgive each and every one of the people involved. As I thought intently about each person and said the words in my mind "I forgive you" I could feel the pressure lift off of me. By the time I forgave each person I was actually smiling and felt peaceful for the first time in years. It was the most freeing thing I had ever done for myself. In years to come this night would remind me of the red ribbon technique I discussed in a previous post.

I realize that I am not forgetting what happened but releasing their hold over me with the pain, anger and resentment I kept causing myself by not forgiving them. I easily knew I would not reconcile with the people and I also knew I would not allow the situation to rule or ruin any future friendships. But I did forgive and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done for myself.

I beg you if you are holding onto pain, anger and/or resentment from a past wrong, please consider forgiving the offender. I really want to remind you that allowing the offender to rule your every day life just gives them power and that is exactly what we want to avoid. If I can help you in any way with this, please let me know. Take it from me forgiving is for you and it is wonderful.

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Happy Birthday to my wonderful sister, Susan!!

and

Happy Birthday to Bella!!

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