Day of delirium #19 - Full Cooperation

Going Bonkers article: Full Cooperation - How to Bring out the Best in Others by Marta Hiatt, Ph.D.

Wow, I need this article right now. Names changed to those you know in order to protect the fictional people.

Dangrdafne's hubby has a habit of frequently tossing his dirty socks NEXT to the laundry basket and not in it. The socks (not pictured above) usually land on the floor and stay there until Dangrdafne comes in the room, screams to herself and picks up the socks to put them in the basket. Dangrdafne has mentioned this issue numerous times to her hubby but it has not changed. What is Dangrdafne to do?

Well a simply behavior modification technique is all that is required. A what?

Here is the example: Dangrdafne is to stop mentioning (ok nagging) her hubby about this situation and continue to pick up the socks. BUT on the days when her hubby actually puts the socks in the basket, she quickly and positively must reinforce the behavior by saying "I really like it when you put your socks right inside the basket." and follow the statement with a hug. We can be pretty certain that within a few days the hubby will be putting his socks in the basket every time.

Behavior modification techniques like this can be used with anyone. Most of the time the people don't even know you are doing it. Basically, behavior that is rewarded, affirmed, acknowledged is repeated but behaviors that are ignored usually diminish or disappear. The saying, "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar" is what rings true here. Nagging... although fun... ok not really... is just not going to work. All Dangrdafne needs is some patience and some emotional control to do her part to achieve the desired results.

What does Dangrdafne have to say about this? I admit I find it so hard to be positive instead of negative in these situations. I absolutely know that I can get more with honey but I am so stubborn most of the time. I apparently would rather complain than have harmony. I create my own non-cooperation by not following this technique. I WILL change this TODAY!

Here are some other examples of this behavior modification for your partner, your kids, your boss and your neighbors:

This would be the wrong way to approach today's topic. 

This is certainly not the outcome we are seeking ;)

Your partner:
Using the sock example from my life, I can assume (ok I know it to be true) that my hubby learned from his mother that it didn't matter if his socks were in the basket or not, because he still received the reward of having his socks picked up and washed. He received positive reinforcement and never learned this behavior was not positive. Then later, when we got married and I nagged him about the situation he STILL got the same reward, I picked up the socks and washed them. And yes, I did try the whole leaving the socks to see if he would ever pick them up but that didn't work and the cats would end up playing with the socks and taking them, so they had to be picked up. So hubby had no motivation to unlearn the behavior.

I must also implement this piece too: You want more romance/attention in your relationship? Statements like "We don't make love often enough" or "I want more affection" are only going to get a negative reaction and will not lead to what you want. If you instead try "I love it when you're affectionate with me" or "I love it when you do X." or "It makes me feel closer to you when we snuggle on the couch" you are offering a direction for your partner to follow and positive information. It is very easy to fall into the nagging pattern, just ask Mr. Dangrdafne. So it is time to take a positive approach and have some positive results.

The kids:
When dealing with children, attention is the most important reward to a child even if it is negative attention (crafty buggers). A child would rather be punished and receive negative attention than be ignored because it means they had an affect on the parent. If Otis throws a temper tantrum at the market because he wants a toy and to make him stop you purchase the toy, what has Otis learned? If I throw a tantrum, I get what I want. Now the article this time does not offer a what to do instead so if anyone has ideas as to how to thwart a tantrum, please let us know in the comments. I am sure there are many who have some great ideas.

I have no children and possibly no right to offer anything here but I am going to try. I know would want to leave the market until the child calms down (although I realize this causes hardship for the parent and not getting an errand done), explaining that they are not getting a toy especially if they throw a tantrum and offer something else in return for good behavior - a game of cards with me when we get home maybe. Perhaps even offering to get the toy but I would have to make sure I don't create the "if I am always good I will always get something." My child shouldn't think they will be paid for doing something that which is required. This is a tough one readers, please help.

Your Boss:
Suppose your boss never notices all the work you have to do in a day and keeps handing you even more and you feel overwhelmed. You can't complain as you don't want to appear to not be hard working or able to handle the work. So what can you do? Any day that goes by that your boss doesn't give you more to do (let's hope that actually happens) make sure to tell your boss that you appreciate having the break to catch up with everything you have to do because it helps make you more efficient. Praising your boss for doing something your boss wasn't even aware of, your boss most likely will be more sensitive to this in the future.

Your Neighbors:
It is 1 a.m. and the dog next door is outside barking, again. While you may want to run over and bang on the door screaming at them, I would be afraid they might set the dog on you. The better response would be to go over in the morning and point out that, except for the last few nights, you have appreciated how quiet the dog has been. Tell them they are good neighbors (which I hope they are) and if there is any way they could keep the dog inside at night so you can sleep it would be appreciated.

Think about your own responses to interactions with others, do you not respond better to positive interaction instead of negative? Wouldn't you rather hear "Honey, I really like it when you hold my hand when we go for a walk. I miss the closeness." than "How come you never hold my hand, do you not like me any more?" Now maybe it is the case that you don't like your hubby any more but if you realize that your partner is missing the closeness then maybe it can be the start of a positive conversation rather than a negative one of you listing why you don't like your hubby.

I hope you can implement this behavior modification where it might be needed in your life and it will lead to a happier life for you. If I can help in any way, please let me know.

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On a different topic but one that fits with my Going Bonkers posts... please go to Tigerlily's Tirade and check out her letter to Kirstie Alley http://tigerlilystirade.blogspot.com/2010/04/tirade-of-epic-proportions.html It is an amazing point of view for weight loss and I am so proud of Tigerlily for her thoughts on this subject.