Day of delirium #17 - No Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda!

Going Bonkers article #3 - No Regrets! How to Leave the Past Behind by Larina Kase PsyD, MBA

There are seven common causes of regret:

1. Acts you committed, but wish you hadn't.
2. Acts you didn't commit, but wish you had.
3. Acts others committed, that in some way, you feel responsibility for.
4. Acts others didn't commit, that in some way, you feel responsibility for.
5. Acts of fate or circumstances, that in some way, you feel you could have changed.
6. Inevitable losses, that in some way, you feel you could have prevented.
7. Comparisons that you make, where you don't measure up.

Luckily there are numerous ways to deal with regret and get rid of it from your life.

A. Take Action

Not taking action is the number one cause of regret and I am sure we have all been there. One might regret that they didn't go to see Rob Pattinson at the Remember Me premiere that was near their home. While this is a valid regret, how can you get rid of it from your life? Take action and the next time there is a premier that he will be at near your home, attend it. Or realize that you can do without seeing him at a premier because you don't want to deal with all the people that would be there and let it go as a regret, as you realize you might not have enjoyed it with all the people screaming for him there anyway.

B. Make Friends with Failure
I am sure many of you are saying "I am such good friends with failure and that is my problem." but that it not what this item is saying. It is saying listen to your failure as you would a friend and learn from it. See the failure as a way to get to where you want to end up. I think the easiest example is a failed relationship. While you might view it as a failure there is much to learn from this and use towards your next relationship.

I was in a long term relationship, when I went away for a summer to work. While I was away I made some decisions about this relationship and decided that I no longer wanted to pursue it. When I called to break it off, as I wanted to do it before I arrived home to give him time to prepare and deal on his own with it, he of course called me some bad names and didn't understand. We were both very upset but failing in this relationship showed both of us what we really wanted in a relationship. He wanted children and I didn't and his next relationship led him to having children. If we had stayed together that may never have happened for him. I felt smothered in the relationship and like I was always competing with him and I realized I needed some one more independent and secure in themselves and I found that and it works much better for me. So while we failed together, we used the information from the failure to help us move on and find what we really wanted the next time around.

C. Train Your Brain
You can choose not to live in regret. Sounds simple, right? It isn't and each person is different when it comes to this one. For me, I have found simple regrets do me no good, so I let them go. But sometimes I hold on to certain items and for those I tell myself that they are waiting for the right moment to teach me something and that moment has not appeared yet.

D. Don't "Should" on Yourself
Ohhh this is the one that does me in. I never viewed it as regret but after reading this article I see that it is. I am a 'shoulda' extraordinaire. I constantly should have done something, said something, did something different. My only saving grace is that when I met my now hubby he was working on this aspect in his life and he taught me that it does not get me anywhere BUT that I can use it to fix my future. If I say I should have went to the premiere to see Rob and I still want to the next time around, then I go, no questions asked. I work very hard to only should of once. The article offers that you should (needed one here) write down all the times you "should of" during a week. Then go back and question the should ofs. If you say "I should have known this post would take longer than expected" I have to question that and ask myself how would I have known that. I can't just accept that I should have known and since I couldn't have known, so the next time I won't should of it.

E. Focus Forward
Best advice and some of the hardest again - Focus on what you what and where you want to go and not on the past. If you aren't learning from your mistakes then either you will wallow in them or you will decide to let them go and move forward in your life. Visualizing your goal is the best way to achieve your goal. If I am afraid to give a presentation at my office because once I messed one up, I just visualize myself preparing the speech, giving the speech and then hearing the applause (because you know it would be awesome) and maybe even seeing a standing ovation (just kidding) but doing this has helped me be able to give presentations again and perform them at a higher level. I have never actually had a standing ovation but that's ok as they are always better in my head anyway ;)

F. No Second Guessing
Many of our regrets can be released just on the basis that we didn't have the information at the time and that hindsight is 20/20. If I invest in a stock and it doesn't do well, will I regret it? Yes most likely but if I remind myself that I researched it extensively and that I have no control over the stock market, then I need to release the regret as I did all I could with the information I had at the time.

G. Could You Really Have Done Better?
The crux of it all. There are three parts to this action 1) Recognize that the world is not perfect, 2) Learn to accept that you did the best you could with the information you had and 3) Determine whether it really is true that you could have done better, and if so, how can you better prepare for the next time? This seems to pull all the above information into one spot. I used to jump the Long Jump in high school for our track team. I rarely placed but one time I came in the dreaded fourth place, just out of the rankings. And worse I came in fourth by 1/2 an inch. Oooohhh that was hard to deal with. If only I had practiced the day before and just run a little faster down the runway during the meet maybe I would have made up the 1/2 inch. To put this situation into perspective following #1: if I could have had a perfect practice the day before, slept for 9 hours and eaten perfectly maybe then I could have jumped that 1/2 inch more and came in 3rd. But life is life and I lived it the best I could. For #2: I trained as much as I could and followed my coach's training so could I really have done better? Perhaps I did the best I could with the skills I have. For #3: I most likely did the best my skill set would allow for that day, now the next time I will implement something else and see if that can put me into third place for the next meet. Then I also thought, I came in 4th place out of 20 athletes and while 4th place is out of the rankings, 4th out of 20 is pretty darn good. I decided to be proud of that accomplishment and not regret missing the rankings. And maybe you think that is not true as I easily recreated this story for this post, I truly don't regret it BUT I don't forget it. I retain it so I can use it for future reference if I need it and I do pull it out often.

Lastly, remember most regrets come from NOT doing something or saying something, so for just one day, DO IT. Do the thing you are most scared of, say something you might not normally say and when you get to the end of the day without a regret, rejoice in it.

So what are your regrets? And if they are affecting your life negatively, then how can we get you past them? Let me know in the comments or in a private email if you would rather to dangrdafne@gmail.com